Please submit an entry by Wednesday 10/31/07 11:59pm!
Please respond to the following questions. In your response be sure to number your response according to the prompts.
1. Re-write your thesis statement. If you feel like your thesis statement is strong enough, then explain why you feel that way in 5-7 sentences.
2. How will you plan on revising your body paragraphs? What steps do you need to take in order to revise your body paragraphs? How much time do you anticipate this will take?
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33 comments:
John Carreon
1) Leaders use human desire to gain more power, in return the followers expect their empires to be in good hands and so followers do “good”, but the desires of the leader would come before the people.
2) To revise my paper I will reread the body paragraphs over one by one and connect it to my thesis and a clear argument. I will have to look over what I wrote for my topic sentences then analyze the quotes by connecting it to my thesis. I believe it will take me about an hour to do each body paragraph so about 6 hours or so.
1.Humans are naturely imperfect This has caused wars and pain troughtout mankind, and it is because of the societies that humans have been around sence recent history.
2.When i star my revising on my paragraphs i will look at my new these stament and this will hopefully help me out on making my paragrapsh better. I first need to read o over each paragraph then see what i can change with my new thesis statement. I think that all together this will probable take a matter of 3 hours or 4 mabey less.
Andrena Pearson
On my paper you told me that the only thing that was wrong was i needed my thesis statement top be one sentence instead of two.
THESIS STATEMENT REVISED: Self Preservation is a powerful part of human nature, because it is human to want to pursue one's own happiness and survival.
HOW IAM DOING TO RE DO MY BODY PARAGRAPH: In my body paragraphs iam going to add examples to back up my topic sentence and my thesis statement, elaborate more on what im trying to say.Make my body paragraphs more organized, cite my sources in MLA formate. the time im going to anticipate on spending is about a few hours or more trying to get all this done.
Stephan Heuer,
Epsilon
#1 There is nothing like total freedom in a current system of this world, and men are not able to create such a system were total freedom is offered.
#2 For revising my paper I will reread the body paragraphs and think about it. Then I'll look at the checklists and try to figure out if there are any points I could change.
Basically I will check my topic sentence and look if the rest of it (quotes, body paragraph argumentation, etc.) makes sense.
1. I do not think that I need to revise my thesis. I think it is clear. If you think that I should revise it, I would like talk to you about it when you have graded my paper. I think you were the one who gave me this thesis.
2. I think I can connect some of my paragraphs to my thesis better. Make things more specific. Cut back on long quotes, and make sure my argument is relevant to the thesis. I think the main thing is to make things in the paragraphs more specific.
1- I decided to rephrase my thesis. The ultimate goal of law is to keep peoples primitive instincts under control to create a harmonious society.
2-Generally I will first start off by fixing all of my sited sources into MLA format. Then delete specific words you told me to. Then I will read my essay and mark it up with ways to make it better. Then I will get some historical examples for the paragraphs that need them. So overall I expect to spend maybe 6-7 hours fixing my paper.
Alma Herrera-Pazmino
1. My re-written thesis is: Rulers in power create standards that segregate humans by social and economic classes in order to maintain their ideology in society.
2. I plan to revise my body paragraphs to make sense and back up my thesis statement. In order to do this I must first re-read my whole paper and edit or take out phrases that don't make sense. Then I will connect the my quote to my thesis. Next I will connect my evidence with a conclusion at the end of each paragraph. My final step is to order them in a way that builds up my thesis. I think that this will take about 2-3 hours at home.
1. People have the power, but not the capacity, to govern themselves. I dont think that i need to revise me thesis, but then again, i dont even know if i need to revise my paper. i didnt get any comments, can we talk thursday?
2. The first thing that i am going to do, is add a couple pages. Then, im not sure what then.
-Logan
Aaron Alvarez
1)People have strong desires that if not held back can lead to society’s demise. It is the role of a Sovereign to limit people’s ability to act on their desires and govern the nation in order to prevent the downfall of society
2)to revise my body paragraphs first i will site my sources in the correct format. The next thing for me to do would be to reread my other paragraphs and to try and sole as many problems as I can find while at the same time adding in more evidence for the things that I said. The last thing would be to show my completed essay to you on Monday.
1. Some argue that the mind at birth is a tabula rasa, blank slate, when in actuality the newborn mind holds innate abilities, which allow us to communicate and understand. It is this ability, then, to understand and speak that makes it innate for people to desire to live in groups or societies together which in the end benefits us.
2.I will have to fix up the minor edits such as citations and double return stuff first, as to clear up any formatting confusion. I think I will dedicate a maximum of 15 minutes on that. With that out of the way I will proceed to the paragraph that needed statistic to support my statement about newer communication devices (email, phone etc). I will look up the FCC for that. This will probably take about 40 minutes.
Then I will find the Aristotle qoute out of Politics (book one)that states that it is natural to form communities and insert that into the paragraph. Maybe half an hour for that.
Then the last thing I need to do, it seems, is to build on my point of beast vs God... I should add in more 'because men are neither God or Beast they need to be, as well as desire to be in communities in order to achive what they see "good"'. Also a topic sentence for that paragraph. That will take me maybe another half an hour is I go in further depth, but I'll probably keep it sort of short.
All together I think I'll be fine if I dedicate part of my Thursday and part of my Saturday or Sunday to these revisions. It shouldn't be so hard, I'll just try to focus. I am proud so far on what I have so I want to make sure to make this paper even stronger which will require me to be really focused.
Yay.
1) With the human classifications made in Dante's Divine Comedy, we can make predictions that most leaders are destined for damnation in the afterlife.
2) I plan on revising my body paragraphs by proofreading them thouroughly and trying to connect every sentence written to my thesis statement and make every sentence logical and make sense. I will probably need to outline my paper better again. I think that this is going to take a lot more time then i realize, and I will probably scale back my goal.
Ivy Leung
Zeta
I don’t think I need to rewrite my thesis statement because I think it is clear. I just need to make my intro a little bit better by backing up a little on my thesis. I can continue with my thesis, all I need to do is revise my body paragraphs.
I will reread my body paragraphs and read the suggestion made. I will then try to relate the body paragraphs to my thesis. All I really need to do is that and I will be done. I think it’ll take me an hour or two to finish.
1:Although Religions put limits on the actions humans take, they tend to break these limits because of their desires to do something that will better themselves.
2:I think to Revise me paper I'm going to have to get more books. Also finds different POV that will help me look better at my thesis.
TYLER
1. Governments used to be controlled by religion and moral values. In current forms of our government politicians make decisions based on race, money and age. This evolution in society shows how humans most basic interests are material.
2. To revise my paper ill have to return to my thesis and try and make my paper relate more to the arguments I'm trying to prove. ill have to correct a lot of my arguments because they don't really help prove anything.. I'm guessing ill have to work for hours and hours on my revision, my paper blows.
Christine Tsang
1.) Humans have the ability to feel sympathy and are willing to help others when they're in pain; this shows their tendency towards righteous actions and ways of thinking; therefore humans are naturally good.
2.) I plan on revising my body paragraphs by first reading over the paragraphs one at a time and noting down the things I need to change. I have to make sure that each paragraph connects to my thesis. I also have to look over my evidence and analysis to see if I provided the appropriate evidence to prove my argument. I think this will take me a day or two.
ROLANDO CASELLA
THETA
1. Human nature will always struggle with choosing right from wrong.
2. To revise my paper's body paragraph I will re-read them one by one and connect it to my thesis and also have a strong analysis. I will have to look over my topic sentence the connect to thesis. I believe that this will take me a long time maybe 6 or more hours.
Kaid Alameri
#1
Humans are in conflict with each other because we all share the same fear, and selfishness (lead prejudice) Money and power are what cause fear exist our society which is caused conflict.
#2
I will move the quotes that are at the end of the paragraph to the middle of the paragraph. i will reread what i wrote and make sure it make sense to other people. Also I’ll add a sentence in each paragraph to connect to my thesis.
eta block:
Due to the emotions, natures of human beings are misleading. Emotions like fear, anger, and need of power can bring down a society, because when the emotion become too much it is nature for a human to want more and this can bring down the people in the society and the people that are ruling the society.
I am planning to revised my body paragraphs by working on the history part and gaining more quotes from my books. I would need to look up a few internet websites as well for the history part. I would also need to explain more of how my quotes help with my thesis. I would also have to make my topic sentences more stronger as well. I would like to work on this in class on Thursday and the next few nights i am planning to put at lest 5 hrs into my paper.
calvin zhang
theta
1. The government indoctrinates people through its beliefs to make sure people know their place in society thus making society ________? (need help)
2. I will revise my body paragraphs by fixing my topic sentences because my current ones aren't very good, get new quotes that connects to my thesis, and analyze further. I think revising would take another day or so to complete it.
Ed Dang, Zeta
1. Any human society is destined to be unfair and unequal because of our natural tendencies toward greed, supremacy, and infighting, characteristics defined by our behavioral evolution.
2. In order to revise my body paragraphs I'm going to have to find some more evidence of some of the things that I'm arguing. I'm going to have to fill up one more page, since I was a bit liberal with my spacing, but aside from that, I'm probably just going to expand on some of the more philosophical ideas that I presented in the paper but didn't really elaborate on. Doing these things will probaby take me about 4-5 hours of work to accomplish well.
Daniel Kong
1)Humans are instinctively good and their morals reflect their nature, however, society has built up an atmosphere of selfishness and as such causes conflicts in human communities
2) I plan on revising my body paragraphs by reorganizing their structure. I need to make sure there is a logical flow in ideas and show the reader how the previous topic relates to the next. It will probably take me the weekend as I like to spread out my work.
1)Though China's communist suppression may make them almighty powerful nation, I believe U.S.'s freedom they give to their people shall prevail and dominate the world, unmercifully.
2)To revise my essay i will need to reread my essays and add quotes whenever i use a philosopher as evidence. Another very important thing i need to do that i do not think i did in my first draft was clarify and connect my body paragraph to my thesis statement. I feel if i do not do that, then my whole essay will be a disastrous catastrophe of the 7 seven plagues on earth. This will probably take a few days since i am a huge procrastinator and i get distracted a lot if i am not in school.
1) The Needs of Man and of State conflict fundamentally because Man's needs and the State's needs ultimately lead to the destruction of one or the other.
2) In order to revise my body paragraphs I need to add more citations and make sure that all of my research is represented accurrately in my paper.
1. Even though there are biological differences between men and women, society does not base the reasoning of a patriarchal society due to that. Rather, humans are use to the fact of men being the more dominate one in society, and have stuck to the tradition of viewing society as a patriarchal one. That being through only men being presidents and only men being in wars and starting wars.
2. I plan on revising my paragraphs by making sure they support my thesis and have some kind of connect. I will try not to contradict my thesis in any way in a paragraph. In order to do so, I will read sentence-by-sentence and evidence-by-evidence and see how it connects to my thesis. I think this would take about 2 hours to complete.
sry, zeta block.
David Luerssen
Theta Block
1. Some people have more success in live then other people because for the success in life the environment in which the people grew up is very important like for the education and the attitude toward life for example.
2. First I will change the order of my pages because they weren’t in the right order and so the different parts of the body paragraphs didn’t make sense together. Then I will read over the body paragraphs and see if the topic sentences are related to the my thesis and if I connected the evidences right with the topic sentences. Probably I will then also have to find one or two more books to have enough evidence. I don’t know yet how much time I will need. It will depend on how fast I find more material.
WAIT! i got a new one!
which one is better?
zeta.
Over the years of human kind, society has decided that men and women should be equal through the amendment of equal rights. however, this can never be truly so due to men and women being percieved differently due to being hardwired differently because of biological differences in the brain. Because of these differences being shown in society, society has been viewed as a patriarchal one.
wait, just one more...i promise!
Because we live in a patriarchal society, we cannot live up to the equal rights amendment between men and women. Since the primitive years, men have been perceived as the dominant gender. Due to our society being accustomed as viewing men in history as the dominant gender, men and women can never be truly equal. However, throughout history, women have had important roles filtered throughout history.
The reason for the failure of society and government today is that their are too many people today, and this leads to more struggles because of the number of alpha males fighting for power.
I plan to do more research and to find more quotes to back up my evidence and make it clearer. After each argument I make will insert a new piece of evidence.
Andrew Jung
Original: War and laws are necessary evils for the further development of society.
NEW: War and laws are necessary evils for the continuation and preservation of society.
I know I only changed a couple of words, but I feel that my new thesis is much more real and easier to prove. With the old thesis, I would have to do much more work to prove it, and I still would barely be able to prove it. I would have to prove many more things along the way in order to prove my thesis overall. I would have to define what “development” is, and whether or not development caused by laws and war is good or bad. With my new thesis I can prove that they are necessary evils for the continuation of society, I don’t have to prove whether or not that development is bad.
I plan on first taking out the body paragraphs that I wrote trying to prove parts of my old thesis, that are obsolete with the advent of my new thesis. I have to ground my paragraphs more in the solid areas of what I can prove not in the gray areas of what is “right and wrong” with society. I also have to make sure to get more quotes to base my body paragraphs on, I feel to do that I might need more books from philosophers who talk more about the actual role of war and laws in society, not as much about the gray areas of human nature that I can’t prove. I plan to finish all my other homework on Friday night, so that way the time I take on Sunday to finish all my homework can be dedicated to the essay, and I can write when I am relaxed and lucid.
1. "Selfishness rooted from human nature caused global warming and other environmental issues we face today. Humans are inherently selfish, causing them to only live for the moment, not planning for the future. The current condition of our environment shows this.”
a. I feel like my thesis is already strong enough. It is a logical argument. Somebody can argue against it. It states that I will specifically address the problem of global warming and that it is caused by natural selfishness.
2. To better my body paragraphs, I will…
a. Make sure the topic sentences connects and introduce what the paragraph will talk about
b. Make sure all quotes are thoroughly analyzed
c. Make sure that I connect the analysis back to my thesis
d. Cite all sources and meet the basic requirements
1. "Selfishness rooted from human nature caused global warming and other environmental issues we face today. Humans are inherently selfish, causing them to only live for the moment, not planning for the future. The current condition of our environment shows this.”
a. I feel like my thesis is already strong enough. It is a logical argument. Somebody can argue against it. It states that I will specifically address the problem of global warming and that it is caused by natural selfishness.
2. To better my body paragraphs, I will…
a. Make sure the topic sentences connects and introduce what the paragraph will talk about
b. Make sure all quotes are thoroughly analyzed
c. Make sure that I connect the analysis back to my thesis
d. Cite all sources and meet the basic requirements
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